Thursday, April 16, 2009

The 11th Hour Confessions


On the threshold of my expected engagement and marriage to a soul which I proposed and which it disposed at the last hour, I'm crossing my fingers and holding my breath, not because of failure but of excitement. I'm simply not used to it and maybe I'm afraid of it. I guess she loves me and I've no qualms in inviting her into my life but I'm afraid.

You see, I'm no new to marriage. I've been married before to a lovely girl. Things had not worked out and we agreed for a mutual divorce. The year was 2000 and I was excited as now I’m of a life with a female gender. The hormones signaled yes, and I dumbly stood in front of the holy alter among a cascade of Christian orthodox Priests who sang in union and blessed us among smiles of more than a thousand people. What a day it was! A hopeful seemingly January sun cleared the sky, sang too in unison and the bright sparkling stars blessed us into a mysterious single body in our first night together.

Alas, I was a young fool. Ignorant and spoiled. Egoistic and selfish. My ex-wife was as also stubborn as never expected. I guess I hoped a submissive wife like my Sisters and Mother, which no young woman is and I failed to envision her thoughts. Thoughts which was about individuality and freedom. I failed miserably. I became the villain; I became the baddie in love; I became the villoma in our life; I became the epithelial tumor which could only be separated by the curse solution in society called divorce.

After she left me, I became half crazy, gave up my lucrative job, broke off all the glasses in the kitchen, migrated back to India and vowed never to love and trust again a female psyche. Of course I was not successful!

I've given my heart to so many girls but unlike playboys I've not lost count. My first ever love happened when I was doing my plus two (pre-degree at that time.) I watched with cupid dancing around my eyes a beautiful dark belle who used to travel in my bus everyday. The persistent cowboy in me saw giving a love letter (the only one I’ve given, yeah, those days it worked…) to her, forcibly inserted into her assemblage of college books and paraphernalia. Oh, yes, she had the twinkle in her eyes the next day and returned a letter back to me. I cannot express my feeling in this blog of what I felt; a mixture of exhilaration and an insurrection toward the daily monotony of college life. My next love life was when I was in Karnataka - Goa, met this tall beauty conscious lass whose friendship turned passionate and an obsession in the Osho fever which was fervent in our life at that time. The next crush was towards a Gulf Air air-hostess in Bahrain who fell for my romantic thoughts. A lot of seasons together we moved away. We simply moved away! The next break was my ex-wife, a pure arranged marriage which went wrong. She I fathom found a dearer human being with time. A lot of dark moments afterwards in Kochi, I fell in for an Aquarian who almost matched my madness. She was separated and the love guru who I had become by that time lectured her in reconciling with her estranged hubby. No woman likes that and I became as distant as the burning Sun and though she was not successful in rejoining up, she found a new macho heart. Then it was a series of relations through friends and families. A US based scientist who believed that I broke her heart and who wanted a life not in India, a young "blue eyed" girl so much younger to me, one or two divorcees who shared a dream with me but nothing worked out. Guess I'm the culprit, a dark faced monster who liked the dark part of all taking on the stupid phone and resisted the sunshine.

Roads sometimes lead to blocked roads but like pathways which guide us to find roads, I walk groping in the dark fumbling in the moonlight in relish of a dawn cherished by a hope known only in love. My proposed missy is divorced once because her ex-hubby had doubts about her morality and character. He believed that her friends and even her brother were all imaginary lovers falco subbuteo with secretive liaisons. I'm lucky in this, I believe in friends; I believe not in a husband and wife passing their time only in looking into each other eyes and being happy. Oh, come on, everyone needs love of their friends and other distractions. Marriage and love are just conditions for a legal societal based living together, sex and making legitimate generations, right?

Many of you hardly know anything about me and I've purposely not done any "know-me" (sorry - Vijesh, IHM) tags because I was afraid of rejection and revealing so much about me; I was afraid of the villain image; I was afraid of projecting my melancholy (Indyeah - You guessed right) ; I was afraid of jutting out my own fears and reality.

I've grown up over the years and have matured aged and ripened my thought processes, my patience and my egoistic thoughts. I now don't believe in infatuations but love in patience and empathy; I now believe in human thoughts espoused with the belief in living and dying with hands enjoined. Please bless me as I donate her my used heart!

55 comments:

abhisheksardar said...

hope this relationship turns out well for you. :)

manju said...

Biju, you are starting this relationship with such a mature attitude that it is sure to succeed. Best wishes to you both!

vimmuuu said...

All the best Biju ! Believe in yourself and everything will happen on its own !

philip9876 said...

All the best in your new relationship. Wish and pray that this is for the long haul. Cheers.

Destination Infinity said...

I sometimes write what seems fiction and at the end say that it is a true story. Like that I thought you too started like non-fiction and at the end say that it's fiction! But you didn't. So, all the best for this and all your future endeavors.

Destination Infinity

vishesh said...

all the best :)

Shadowthorne said...

Give it your best effort. And PLEASE, get to know her REALLY well before getting too serious.

I made that mistake (and wasted a lot of time and money). Well, I'm single again.

Poonam said...

Biju, I had to comment on this one.

Its takes lots of courage to bare it all. You know most of us have had a string of relationship. There's this book I read which said men and women march towards each other in life. When we fancy anyone, we stop. If it doesnt work it out, we move on. Almost all of us have failed relationships, so I understand the melancholy it may have caused.

I am glad you see the light. Wish you all the best in your new relationship.

Winnie the poohi said...

Yours is one rich heart.. it has so many wounds and each wound tells a story.. the empathy in you right now will be a salve for some wounded heart :)

All the very best.. and dont worry.. every dark cloud has a silver lining.. cliches yes.. but true :)

And yes.. every one of us is less than perfect... who are we to judge you ?

It takes a lot of courage to write what you have written! Kudos!

Crafty Shines said...

Hugs!!!!! for sharing, for believing and for a great new start.
mistakes can turn to learnings only when we accept that it was a mistake, to begin with. i am so proud and happy that you have accepted and let your mistakes mould u to a person u wanna be! heartfelt wishes for you n ur better half, Biju! may u give each other the warmth of friendship always :) hugs again!!!!!

Solilo said...

Biju, I had always felt that you have so much pain all bottled up inside you but still the words caught it and shared with us at times. I even left you couple of comments hinting the same. You always sounded someone who was scared to open up for the fear of getting hurt again.

It takes a great deal to write like this and I am sure you are feeling relieved. As you said that you have learned from the past but now it is time to move on and start afresh.

All the best for a beautiful future! {{Hugs}}

SSQuo said...

Wait what? When did this happen?

Congrats!!! :) It is a wonderful thing! I mean it is how it is supposed to be, sure you go through hard times, and some great times, and then you decide to settle with one someone.

It is with some history that you are entering this new world, and rightly so you are a bit cautious, slowly but surely you'll open wide and itll be a wonderful thing. Just keep an open mind, and a heart.

Oh this is all exciting. Am I invited? ;)

SSQuo said...

Follow up: What about her do you love/like?

brocasarea said...

wht i liked is ur honesty..u have been open here and hope will be the same with her....
good luck man:)

future mantra said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Rakesh said...

Biju, I guess you've had a lot of fun in your life. So now, you can take the plunge... again!

Take care!

Hope you remain happy (doesn't matter if you're single or with someone).

sindhu said...

Now that was a brave attempt...of writing this, I mean. All the best, Binu, all of us have secret fears and it takes courage to express them...Go with an open heart into the new relationship, love and forgive...and you will flourish!
Remember all relations are based on one strong foundation, of adjustments!

amit said...

Well, life do look like an utopia from the surface but it isn't. The idea is to love each other despite the shortcomings. I hope that life would turn out well for you in the future.
Best of Luck!!

Smita said...

Loved the post for the sheer maturity & honesty!!!!

Good Luck for the new relationship :)

Vyazz said...

Congratulations on ur big move forward!!!... Wish u all the evry best!!!

shail said...

All blessings Biju.

Madhuri said...

All the best to you for the new beginning :)!! Its wonderful you haven't given up after so long!!

i think for a relationship to grow into something beautiful and lasting, it has to be nurtured every day by both partners, and we tend to learn this only with bitter experience :(

again, wonderful for you :)!!

PraveenG said...

Hey...r u getting married ???

naperville mom said...

all the best, and hopefully, we'll hear more:)

hitchwriter said...

beta... tu bhi...

fas gaya... !!! geee... i came late so now your already engaged... !!! bah... wish i cud have stoppd u...

hmmmm neways.. lol...

no but seriously

enjoy... life is about relationships and I am sure you will have a fruitful one !

aliceinneverland said...

i know the feeling... God bless you :)

Indyeah said...

Biju(((hugs)))and congratulations!:))
you are one honest soul:) and a courageous one too:)
God bless you both:)

Aizan Suhaira said...

Is there such a thing as a submissive woman in this day and age?

But that's not what this comment is about.

I admire you for being brave. It takes guts to try again after being burnt (?) in a previous marriage.

As for myself, I don't believe in relationships let alone the sanctity of marriage.

Blankmisgivings said...

Bravo

lithiya said...

hi biju achacaha..all the best..ia m sure that sajini is a very lucky girl to get u,..u r really a lovable one...my prayers r with u both

sonu anand said...

wow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

a honest guy..........

dude, really i liked what you wrote and how you wrote .....i read it all and you were true.........

we don't know what happens and how...........but i thing we know ..

it is ------ keep going.

Winnie the poohi said...

where are you ???

Som said...

hey Congrats man !! This will certainly be great .. as you have experience on your side now ...

11th hour confusion ... I just hope it passes away .. :)

Inner Vision said...

We wish you all the very best. God bless you.

Deepika M said...

Congratulations and everyone deserves a new beginning. I would love to see some really amaazin snaps up in the next blog.

indyeahforever said...

Biju where are you?
((hugs)))
God bless:)

Marc said...

All the best Biju. May God bless you.

Reema said...

hey where are you? hope everything is ok.

Rohini said...

Biju, i just came across your blog and thought it was a story but your language and the words used made me think so much that i could understand it was the voice of your soul.

Well, my dear we all have something hidden in our lives.

I appreciate your for your honest acceptance and that belief made you accept the reality which many cannot still accept.

I just know what was conveyed in your post.

Truth always reward though late and one may have to face the test as ell.
You have come out of it with flying colors.

With you all the best for the future with lots of love and affection.

Good Luck!

aliceinneverland said...

good luck...i am sure things will work out for you... :)

The Illuminator said...

Congratulations on the wedding-to-be. It takes a lot of courage to open up they way you have. Kudos. Must have felt a lot better later.

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numerounity said...

This was very interesting piece…My first time here and you know what- love is a strangest emotion. Not that you know off, no that anybody accepted.

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Nimmy said...

Where are you???????????????/

aliceinneverland said...

are you alive?

Anonymous said...

It is certainly interesting for me to read that post. Thanks for it. I like such topics and anything that is connected to this matter. I definitely want to read a bit more soon.

Tara said...

I bet this will work ! God Bless ..

Deepika M said...

Dear All,

Its been quite a while that I have been meaning to do this.

More on here:

http://deepsm25.wordpress.com/2010/01/07/new-cravings/

Thank You for All that Support Shown to me, every step of the way!!! See You At My New Address

Cheers,
Deeps

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Mary Jones said...

wht i liked is ur honesty..u have been open here and hope will be the same with her.... good luck man:)